Ain't No Sunshine

This is something I have wanted to write about for a long time, but I don't know where to start or how to express what I really feel. The problem is - I don't feel anything. I may look happy and act happy, but I don't FEEL it. I don't have the joy in my heart or the bounce in my step and I haven't had it for a long time. I don't know how to explain it to my poor husband, who continually puts up with me and my lack of feelings. Most of the time I feel irritated and annoyed. Why? I DON'T KNOW! That is the big problem. I don't know why I feel the way I do or why I act the way I do. All I know is over the past 3, 4, 5 or so years, it has gotten worse. I don't want to touch or be touched. Don't get me wrong, I still expect Mace to hold my hand when we are walking together, but that is it. I don't want to be hugged, kissed or anything else. What is wrong with me????? I used to enjoy the touch of a hand. I used to be excited about the smallest and largest things that came up in my day. Now, I put on a good facade. I feel empathy and sympathy, but joy, happiness and love seem to be gone. Once again, don't get me wrong. I love my husband. I love my son. I love my family. I can't imagine life without any of them in it, but I don't FEEL it. Where is that spark? Where is that feeling?

I am tired of not feeling inside what  I portray on the outside. I want to get excited about the small things and the big things. I want to feel the life I am living instead of just being. I'm not sure what direction to take or where to start, but I go to the doctor in two weeks and maybe that will be a start for me.

Some creases are good

This weekend I noticed I have creases. Good creases. Not the bad kind you get because you frown too much or squint your eyes. I noticed the good kind. The ones you get as you start to get definition in muscles you forgot that you had. I found those creases over the past several days. Actually, it started about a week ago. Mace and I were out celebrating his birthday early, when in the middle of the conversation he stops and says, "you have a crease in your arm." I didn't think too much of it as it was my forearm he was talking about. About three days later, after I had changed my profile picture on Facebook, he says, "you look a lot like you used to look in your senior picture in your new profile picture." After re-examining my new profile picture, I can say he is right. I am wearing my hair the way I used to in high school and my face is a little thinner. The big showing of the creases came this past weekend.

We got up at 5:45 am so we could be on the golf course by 6:30. We wanted to get 18 holes in before the weather got too unbearable. The temperature on Saturday was to be in the high 90s low 100s. This is the weekend my son and his girlfriend decided they were moving out of our house and into a townhouse. Jay had to work on Saturday but had Sunday off, so the plan was to move all of the big things on Sunday. Mace and I decided we wanted to get it done, so he, Lexi and I moved ALL of the furniture on Saturday. Mace stood inside the truck and Lexi and I handed things into him: dressers, couches, recliners - you name it. At the townhouse, Mace and Lexi would hand things out to me and Lexi got her exercise in by jumping on and off the lift gate of the truck. We spent 4 hours playing golf and about 4 hours moving furniture. Needless to say, we were tired and sore. That night, I noticed that I have creases in my biceps. I actually have muscles!! It has been forever since I have seen them or used them, but I worked them hard this past weekend. As I continue to workout at the YMCA each day, I work arms and legs. My goal now is to get some creases in the old triceps!

Working toward my goals

Last week I set some short term goals for me to work on this week. So far, so good....with the exception of goal 4 - to eat out once a week. Man, that is a HARD one!!! Why? Because I can't say no very well. I really need to work on that one, but sometimes it is easier to go grab food somewhere than to prep, cook and clean up at home. I know it is probably due to laziness - but it also has to do with being tired. Working all day and then hitting the gym for my workout leaves this old girl ready to collapse in a heap. Mace is busy with play practice most nights and even though he is thoughtful enough to cook something for supper before he leaves, it is easy for me to put that in the fridge for lunch the next day and head to a restaurant with the kids for food I don't really need. This is a goal I will continue to work on and struggle with, but I hope to do better in the near future. As for the other goals, if I feel myself giving in on my workout, I picture that motor-trike in my head and hit the weights for another set. Next week, I hope to start some pool workouts, but first I have to buy a new swimsuit. That will be a wonderful shopping experience I am sure!!!

Goal Setting

I haven't always been very good with setting (and keeping) goals. I get bored easily and if I don't see progress toward the goal, I give up instead of powering through. When I started my journey over a year ago, I met with a wonderful life coach who helped me set some short term goals that would help lead me to the long term goal. Now that I am "on my own", I am going to have to set my short term goals and figure out what my long term goal is. My long term goal came to me last night and this morning. I have always wanted a motorcycle. (I know if my family is reading this, the eye rolls have begun!) I don't know why, but I love the thought of having a bike and riding to different places. I have come up with many excuses as to why I have not worked on making this dream a reality, but now, I am ready to work on it. Before I will entertain having a motorcycle, I need to get this old body in shape. I know I don't have the arm strength or the core strength to ride a motorcycle. I also know I don't have the available funds to pay for one. So, what can I do to make this happen? First comes the short term goals:

1. To purchase a YMCA membership (happening tomorrow)
2. To work out 5 times a week.
3. Three workouts each week will include weight training.
4. Eat out only 1 time per week.
5. Take the money I would have spent eating out and save it.
6. Continue the above steps until strong enough to handle a motorcycle and can afford one.

The first four steps will be years in the making. I know I won't become stronger overnight nor will I strike it rich to be able to run out and buy right away. I need to keep my eye on the finished product and it looks something like this:



I know - ambitious right? If I want it, I must work hard for it. Keep sending positive thoughts my way and someday I will see you out on the open road!!!

Irony

There are times in life that you see things that just make you go hmmmm? To me, that is what irony is all about. You see something that makes you stop and think and maybe start a discussion about what you saw. These discussions work best when there is someone to discuss with, but when all else fails, you can just talk in your head. Today I saw one of the most ironic things I have seen in awhile. I got a free 7 day pass to on of the YMCAs here in Des Moines. The one I have chosen to go, is at Mercy Hospital's Wellness and Rehabilitation Center. This particular Y is geared toward rehab, physical therapy and adults. They offer day care, but you don't see the "younger" people hanging around. (yes, I sound very old right now) Anyway......as most people know, you go to the Y to work out, exercise, maybe lose some weight. Right? As you leave this particular Y, you pass by the Mercy Weight Loss and Bariatric Surgery Center. Does that seem odd to anyone else but me? At one side of the building you go to walk, run, lift weights, swim; and on the other side you walk in a door and they perform surgery to help you lose the weight. Irony!

This says it all!

Today is the day to plug myself in and get motivated again! Just wish I would have had a better night's sleep than what I did. Oh well! I am NOT going to use that as an excuse for not going to the gym tonight after work. My bag is packed, my day pass is ready, so off I go after work!!

Starting over

Today is the day I start over. I start over with my health and making it a priority in my life again. It was easy to do that when I lived in Kansas. I had a great support system with a head cheerleader anyone would want. She motivated me and challenged me on a daily basis to stay on track or to do better. I miss that the most here in Iowa. I don't have that constant rallying cry in my ear on a daily basis and I miss it. Now I find myself having to motivate myself and to keep myself on track. I will have to dig down deep to get it done, but I will put my best foot forward.

We are headed to the golf course now to play 18 holes before the heat sets in. This afternoon, I will head to the YMCA to get my free week pass so I can start my membership next month. There are a lot of gyms to choose from in Des Moines, but I feel the Y will be my best choice. I get bored easily with my workout and there are many different things to choose from to keep me entertained. I also began to take supplements under the guidance of my chiropractor. She is a great lady who treats the whole body. We shall see what changes I can make in the two weeks time.

I am ready to get back on track with my exercise and eating right. I know I feel better and act nicer when I am working out on a regular basis. I hope anyone that reads this will support me on this journey and be my cheering section.