Ain't No Sunshine

This is something I have wanted to write about for a long time, but I don't know where to start or how to express what I really feel. The problem is - I don't feel anything. I may look happy and act happy, but I don't FEEL it. I don't have the joy in my heart or the bounce in my step and I haven't had it for a long time. I don't know how to explain it to my poor husband, who continually puts up with me and my lack of feelings. Most of the time I feel irritated and annoyed. Why? I DON'T KNOW! That is the big problem. I don't know why I feel the way I do or why I act the way I do. All I know is over the past 3, 4, 5 or so years, it has gotten worse. I don't want to touch or be touched. Don't get me wrong, I still expect Mace to hold my hand when we are walking together, but that is it. I don't want to be hugged, kissed or anything else. What is wrong with me????? I used to enjoy the touch of a hand. I used to be excited about the smallest and largest things that came up in my day. Now, I put on a good facade. I feel empathy and sympathy, but joy, happiness and love seem to be gone. Once again, don't get me wrong. I love my husband. I love my son. I love my family. I can't imagine life without any of them in it, but I don't FEEL it. Where is that spark? Where is that feeling?

I am tired of not feeling inside what  I portray on the outside. I want to get excited about the small things and the big things. I want to feel the life I am living instead of just being. I'm not sure what direction to take or where to start, but I go to the doctor in two weeks and maybe that will be a start for me.